Santa Satirists Gifts

Don't fly and text.

Santa Elevator

'Hey, baby-pucker up!...Come over here and give Santa a big ol'smoocheroo!'

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

Priest's 'To do' list.

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

Drive-thru Church

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"That's Bob. He's a bit of a wing nut."

The Ten Really Cool Facts

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

'Even More Disciples'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"Whew! What a day! I just get out of bed and all Hell breaks loose."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"Couldn't you just set up a facebook page or a blog?"

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

"He wants us to start calling him 'Head Honcho'."

"I'll take new members any way I can get them."

'How long do we have to get in compliance?'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'We've got truth, we've got enlightenment, and we've got serenity - what we NEED is media coverage.'