Santa Satire Lover Gifts

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

Bottom Of The Barrel Holiday Releases

Spama Claus.

6 Children or Less

"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

Santa Elevator

'Sir, we're just not reaching them. Only a small percentage of people own vinyl records, and hardly anyone thinks to play them backwards.'

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

'You rejected my great grandfather and my father. I demand you recuse yourself!'

Santa Claus uses drones to deliver presents on Christmas.

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

'I didn't know I'd need a PIN number!'

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

I brake for Jetliners.

Don't fly and text.

"Hey you!. . . Get off of my cloud!"

'Really? A Bride of Satan? Golly, Lucille, why did you wait until our fourth date to tell me you were already married?'

"I've got nothing on for the next few months, do you fancy sex?"

Slay Ride.

"Two bars—how about you?"

'What do you mean you don't rent helicopters?' (Santa shot all his reindeer)

"Yes, a glass of milk and cookies for Santa is common, but when you find carrots for the reindeers, you know for sure it's a nice kid's house..."

"It appeals to pride, greed, lust, sloth and envy, but we're overlooking gluttony and avarice."

Sacrifices at 4:00PM and 6:00PM

Heaven Mk. II.

"Nobody 'leaked' your transgressions, Mister. We know everything up here."

"Missing elf"

'Father Christmas regrets to inform you that your application for presents has been unsuccessful on this occasion.'

"...and while you're at it, pick yourself up a pair of nose-hair clippers."