Saintly Satire Lover Gifts

"Let's get to know him. He's being fast tracked to sainthood."

Saint Peter using a security screening.

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

"It's right here… Nov. 29th, 1981, at Elaine's… twelve percent."

'He may be the Messiah, but he's no Springsteen.'

God asks an angel for change for a tower viewer.

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"Could you speed it up a little, the 'Seinfeld' marathon starts in five minutes."

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

'I didn't know I'd need a PIN number!'

"Bring me the head of John the Baptist. Just kidding. Get me the Paulson file."

'You rejected my great grandfather and my father. I demand you recuse yourself!'

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

And on the seventh day He rested

Some other sins you may enjoy.

"Up here, we call it 'Nectar of the Gods' not 'Devil's Brew'!"

Abraham sacrifices Isaac

"Hey you!. . . Get off of my cloud!"

'Oh, I don't know -- Tell Adam to try patriarchy for awhile and we'll see how it works out.'

"Two bars—how about you?"

Slay Ride.

'Really? A Bride of Satan? Golly, Lucille, why did you wait until our fourth date to tell me you were already married?'

'That's St Joseph. He's the patron saint of baby aspirin.'

"It appeals to pride, greed, lust, sloth and envy, but we're overlooking gluttony and avarice."

"Bad timing – he's in one of his Old testament moods today."

"I wasn't responsible for those sins."

Sacrifices at 4:00PM and 6:00PM

"Nobody 'leaked' your transgressions, Mister. We know everything up here."

'Pig flu??!'

'Now-Now! We all make mistakes.'

Heaven Mk. II.

"It's important to remember my son; without evil, we would all be out of a job."