Sandy Satirist Gifts

Desert crawler sees 'No Crawling' sign.

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Once upon a midnight dreary / while I pondered weak and weary."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Honest Vending

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

'Oh, come on - If you're gonna mess up my castle, take the whole thing.'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

'It's first flush Darjeeling darling!'

A Sandbar piles of sand in a bar enjoying their night out

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Champagne at the hunt

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

"Wait a minute! This is a copy of 'TV Guide.' "

'I suppose if we had some money we could buy sand from each other.'

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"We're going to need more words for flip-flops."

"He left with two other slices of bread, turkey, bacon, lettuce and toothpicks. I think they went clubbing."

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

Open mike night presents: Rudy Park. You done left me alone … Cut out when I needed you most. How brightly we'd have shone … had you not given up the ghost. I done loved you baby. Now I just feel so bad-n-used. I'm a-goin' crazy … I got me the laptop low-battery life blues. That portable never loved you, honey child!

Difference between regular and French onion soup? "When I serve the French onion soup, I sneer."

"Hows the protest song coming along Bill?"

"I'm composing a song for the new administration. It's entitled, 'Hell to the chief'."

George Clooney.

"I'm the king of the jungle! Why do I always get the hand-me-down phones?"

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

The New Modern-Day Lament.

"It was a lovely holiday. The chips crispy and delicious, the ice cream cornets were to die for, the only downside being, the hostility of the humans, who were reluctant to share their sustenance."

"Gimme a shot!"

'That's quite a bit you're inheriting. I suppose you realize this will force you to start learning about wine.'

'That's what I call riding the barrel!'

"I promise that this will be the last time that Daddy will ask you to help him post his resume online."