Salary Cynic Gifts

'In order to fund your deferred compensation, we won't be paying you any salary.'

GPs offerred 0 in pay round

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

If all else fails, give up.

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Famous Oxymorons...

Wow. A corner office at last

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

Gullibility Test $1.00.

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

Obama builds own gallows.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

The Fed: Problems and the solution.

'Leave us your suggestions here.' (The suggestion box is a shredder)

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Man at a desk in Performance Review Dept. has a cannon in the 'OUT' box pointing out the window lights cannon.

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"I've given him your message. If you'll just take a seat, he'll be out in a moment with his hands up."