Award Cynic Gifts

"They finally gave me the employee of the month award, but it kind of loses its meaning when every single other employee has already gotten it five times.'

'My boss made me 'employee of the month'.'

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

The Forever Stamp

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Someday

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Hear me out. Batman - again."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

Obama builds own gallows.

Bush vs. America

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

Sucking Up to Gen X

"This looks good."

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'