Café Cynic Gifts

I've decided to take your advice and try something other than tea. What changed your mind? It occurred to me that if I try something you suggested, I may find that I detest it. I may hate it with every fiber of my being. It may even make me feel sick. AND THEN I'LL GET TO BLAME YOU! Always happy to help.

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

No Immediate Danger

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"Hear me out. Batman - again."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Gullibility Test $1.00.

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

Obama builds own gallows.

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"This looks good."

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'

Entering Clogsted.

'I had it all - then the IRS found where I had it hidden.'

Too Good to be true - 50c.

Hospital food. Because you're just not sick enough.

"So apart from stop being 'lying hypocritical uncaring bastards who'd promise anything to get back in power'...is there anything else we might do to secure your vote?"