Cynical Diner Gifts

'I don't know Arthur, I've heard the service is terrible here.'

"Is anything O.K.?"

The fix is in at shadowburger

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

'The customer is always right...'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"The usual."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"Young man, the world is your oyster, but for God�s sake avoid peanuts, soy, milk, eggs, wheat, fish, tree nuts, and chocolate."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Would Sir & Madam per chance care to peruse the scratch & sniff dessert menu?'

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'I'm afraid the Chef's Surprise today is that he ran off with one of the waitresses.'

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

'I'm afraid things are rather confused around here today, sir- the Soup of the Day is a grilled-cheese sandwich'

"There's a free pudding for whoever finds the Chef's glass eye."

"Dinner looks delicious."

"It's gotta be a good place – we've been ignored for well over an hour now."