Awkward Diner Gifts

'Separate cheques?'

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'How is the water prepared?'

Beef stew 50c. (In a bowl - $1.75)

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

'The customer is always right...'

Sushi Train Spotters

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Dave's Hamburger Shop

'Openly sobbing, or non-openly sobbing?'

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

"We only do salads. There's no need to keep warning customers that the plates are cold."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'Yes, all our flambe dishes come with injury, liability insurance.'

"Dinner looks delicious."

'And for the Queen of Whiny Eaters, two pieces of bologna, cut into quarter-inch squares, coated with Abe's Barbecue Sauce...'

Sorry, that's probably one of mine.

We've been dating for about 30 minutes, so things are still going well. Please send over the waiter immediately, before everything goes down the toilet. Menu.

'I'm afraid things are rather confused around here today, sir- the Soup of the Day is a grilled-cheese sandwich'

"There's a free pudding for whoever finds the Chef's glass eye."

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

'Waiter...!' (there is a human in my soup)