Cozy Cynic Gifts

Self-Sufficiency My Arse. He's workshy!

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

No Immediate Danger

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Always Compatible

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Die alone"

"Love is the temporary illusion that you're not alone in the universe"

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'