Cynics Club Gifts

"This isn't a sales call? Aren't all calls, in the final analysis, sales calls?"

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Someday

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Gullibility Test $1.00.

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Diogenes and tourists

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Sucking Up to Gen X

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"This looks good."

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'