Cynic's Club Member Gifts

'I prefer realistic toasts.'

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

'When politicians start talking about a new deal, you can be sure that the cards are marked.'

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

Famous Oxymorons...

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

Bush vs. America

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Diogenes and tourists

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Sucking Up to Gen X

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

Information and Still don't get it.

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."