Cynics United Gifts

'I suppose I'll get married some day - I just don't want to be there when it happens.'

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

The Forever Stamp

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

Diogenes and tourists

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

'Let's face it, we're nothing but a puppet government.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

No more bribes - today.

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"