Cynics United Gifts

'I suppose I'll get married some day - I just don't want to be there when it happens.'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Diogenes and tourists

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Let's face it, we're nothing but a puppet government.'

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Born Cynical,,,,