Cynics Anonymous Gifts

'If I am elected my economic plan will include tax rebates for any unfulfilled campaign promises!'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Diogenes and tourists

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'This model comes with F.S.H - P.S. - E.W. - C.C. - A.B.S and B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.'

'Let's face it, we're nothing but a puppet government.'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."