Renting Cynic Gifts

'I always thought Facebook was the perfect roommate...Until the rent came due.'

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Famous Oxymorons...

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"Hear me out. Batman - again."

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Gullibility Test $1.00.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Obama builds own gallows.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Sucking Up to Gen X

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'

"This looks good."

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'