Trust Cynic Gifts

'Well, so much for marriage on the honor system.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Nihilistic customer service"

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Always Compatible

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

The Forever Stamp

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

Someday

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

'It's just a male thing - none of them can feign passion beyond the event horizon.'

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"