Sacrament Scholar Gifts

"Good Lord, this is grape juice!"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"My lessons on Enlightenment are a prerequisite to my graduate-level course on Investing in Derivatives."

'Those are the Divinity students.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Wow! That's some PowerPoint presentation."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"They have to clean her up before they show her to God."

"It's badly sprained, McElroy, and you know as well as I do that I'd only slow you down. Go on without me—and that's a direct order!"

Eugene Ionesco

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

Eucharist

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

'Since you're a teacher, we picked this one from the Tree of Knowledge.'

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

'When I asked for your favourite Saint, I didn't think of someone like Michael Ballack, son.'

Dear Diary

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"Then the angel Gabriel said to Joseph in a dream.. 'Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son, and they shall call Him Emmanuel." "I thought His name was Jesus!?".

"No, we can't have a lawyer look at them first!"