Sermon Scholar Gifts

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"How can I love my enemies when I don't even like my friends?"

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"You call this a constitution?"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

Well HERE'S some good news...Judgement Day has been replaced by a multiple choice questionnaire.

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"I've got writer's block."

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

Cleric with bible briefcase.

The World's Biggest Book Club

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

Monk Prompt

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

10 Commitments? Sure, I guess I could give him those, too.

"Boss, you can't be serious! This can't be paradise. . . there's no football and no pubs!"

"What did Jesus order?"

"Mark, you have to stop calling John's gospel 'Fan Fiction.'"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'