Sermon Writers Gifts

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Monk Prompt

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

The Sleeping Congregation.

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

Today's Sermon: We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Is there any chance of a bailout?

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'