Sermons Gifts

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Super Bowl Sunday sermon: "Is it better to kick off or receive?"

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'I'd like to ask the council's advice on how to get the congregation to sit closer to the front of the church.'

"The hardest thing about being a youth pastor is keeping my sermons to 140 characters or less."

'The service is over, Ed. You have to wake them up.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Reserved for Apostle of the Month

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

Words falling out of bible.

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

'Not bad - a bit preachy.'

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

'Do you think they're here because they're interested in the topic, or because they think there will be samples?'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

'New Charismatic'

'Great sermon, Reverend! -- If I ever want to find out more about sin, I sure know who to come to!'

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

"But what about the sermon you just preached..."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"The actual title of my sermon, Ms. Barns, is 'Are you going to hell?'."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"The guest pastor gave a really eye-opening talk. It hit me like a punch in the faith."

"Because he didn't even change your name. That's how I know he was talking about you."

"I stand corrected..."

Priest and mobile

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'Pastor Bob is so dramatic.'