Church Sermons Gifts

'Oh, oh! They're going to give it to us with both barrels!'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Monk Prompt

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

The Sleeping Congregation.

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Words falling out of bible.