Weekly Sermon Gifts

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

The Sleeping Congregation.

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"So no bases are uncovered, Sister Ann gives the sermon to the deaf and Brother Brooks blogs it."

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Vicar's driving lesson "Here endeth the first lesson!"

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"I have to create a few loose ends for other people to clear up."

Words falling out of bible.

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Pastor wearing sunglasses against the hymns.

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

"And the weird shall inherit the Earth, for their ways are difficult for A.I. algorithms to figure out."