Sermon Time Gifts

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'We apologise for the delay to the yum-yum train.'

A man and his baby are wearing bibs with images of what they are eating.

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"This tea isn't helping – I'm taking a gummy."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

'No, there's nothing else: At this time of year, we eat salmon!'

"That's not fair. I do not only visit you once a year on National Asparagus Day."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Words falling out of bible.

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

"And the weird shall inherit the Earth, for their ways are difficult for A.I. algorithms to figure out."

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit