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Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'We apologise for the delay to the yum-yum train.'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

A man and his baby are wearing bibs with images of what they are eating.

"This tea isn't helping – I'm taking a gummy."

The Sleeping Congregation.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Applause

"That's not fair. I do not only visit you once a year on National Asparagus Day."

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

'No, there's nothing else: At this time of year, we eat salmon!'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Words falling out of bible.

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

'It's a doughnut - just eat it!'

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"