Sermon Gifts

"Wait!"

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

The Sleeping Congregation.

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

Church: Open Sundays

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Words falling out of bible.

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

"And the weird shall inherit the Earth, for their ways are difficult for A.I. algorithms to figure out."

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."