Sermon Series Gifts

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"When I was a boy I asked God for a new bike. But God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked His forgiveness."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

The Sleeping Congregation.

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Applause

Vicar's driving lesson "Here endeth the first lesson!"

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

Church: Open Sundays

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

Words falling out of bible.

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

"And the weird shall inherit the Earth, for their ways are difficult for A.I. algorithms to figure out."

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."