Sermon Specialist Gifts

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

Pastor Joe never works blue: 'I avoid the sex and violence of the Old Testament.'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

St. Gregory Church - We will not be undersaved.

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Monk Prompt

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Convention for People Who Like to Attend Conventions.

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

Sermon Applause.

The Sleeping Congregation.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'