Sermon Stylist Gifts

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

'Better tone down the fire and brimstone. Remember, we've just installed a new sprinkler system.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Monk Prompt

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

How's my sermon. . .

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

'I'll give you this, Hargrove - Your report was a perfect blend of cliches, banalities and platitudes.'

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

Church: Open Sundays

How's my Sermon . . .

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

Vicar absent from church due to car boot sale.

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

"I'm not hanging up until I find the person who listed my sermons under 'Double Dutch'"

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

'I'd like to ask the council's advice on how to get the congregation to sit closer to the front of the church.'

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

Pastor Joe never works blue: 'I avoid the sex and violence of the Old Testament.'