Sermon Stylist Pillows

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

'Better tone down the fire and brimstone. Remember, we've just installed a new sprinkler system.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Monk Prompt

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

How's my sermon. . .

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

How's my Sermon . . .

'I'll give you this, Hargrove - Your report was a perfect blend of cliches, banalities and platitudes.'

Church: Open Sundays

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

Vicar absent from church due to car boot sale.

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

"I'm not hanging up until I find the person who listed my sermons under 'Double Dutch'"

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

'Pastor Bob is so dramatic.'

'If God tells you what to say in your sermon, why do you make so many corrections?'

"I just want to thank you for not naming names."