Sermon Composer Pillows

'Now all we need is 5,000 packets of tarter sauce!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Monk Prompt

How's my sermon. . .

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

The Sleeping Congregation.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Church: Open Sundays

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

How's my Sermon . . .

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Words falling out of bible.