Sermon Scribes Pillows

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

The First Sentence Fragment: 'Hey, don't -'

How's my sermon. . .

"It's publish or perish, and he hasn't published."

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

How's my Sermon . . .

Church: Open Sundays

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

"Regarding your letter of next Monday ... "

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

Computer literate Monk

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

"Tests! That's one thing I don't like about the end of school. I can't believe it! You're not finished studying, either?"

"Oh, hi Pastor, I figured I didn't need to go to church - I ALREADY felt guilty."

"I'm not hanging up until I find the person who listed my sermons under 'Double Dutch'"

"Bible studies class? We're still writing it."

"I would take out the curse words, but otherwise I think it's fine."

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

"Listen, you'll take another break after Deuteronomy and I'll make you some chicken noodle soup."

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"