Sermon Scholar Pillows

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"How can I love my enemies when I don't even like my friends?"

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"I've got writer's block."

Well HERE'S some good news...Judgement Day has been replaced by a multiple choice questionnaire.

"You call this a constitution?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"What did Jesus order?"

Monk Prompt

"Boss, you can't be serious! This can't be paradise. . . there's no football and no pubs!"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

How's my sermon. . .

"Mark, you have to stop calling John's gospel 'Fan Fiction.'"

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"...and if you add wind-chill factor, the next plague will be even worse!"