Scripture Stylist Gifts

We're from the bible belt

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"Meet the scribe"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'You just don't know when to stop, do you?'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

Present Tense/Present Simple/Present Progressive/Present Perfect/Present Past.

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

"Wow! That's some PowerPoint presentation."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

Buzzfeed does The Bible: 10 commandments that will blow your mind.

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

Eugene Ionesco

"We're in deep trouble... there are some people quoting back to us what we taught them."

"The amendments are coming next week!"

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

"Maybe you're right. Maybe the multiple exclamation points come across as over excited and insincere."

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.