Scripture Artist Gifts

A monk illuminating a book with quill pen

"Meet the scribe"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'You just don't know when to stop, do you?'

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

Buzzfeed does The Bible: 10 commandments that will blow your mind.

"We're in deep trouble... there are some people quoting back to us what we taught them."

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

"The amendments are coming next week!"

"Maybe you're right. Maybe the multiple exclamation points come across as over excited and insincere."

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

Jesus wept

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

"And on the seventh day, God 'choked,' and all hell broke loose."

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"No, we can't have a lawyer look at them first!"