Scripture Satirist Gifts

'You want us to cut WHAT off?'

"The amendments are coming next week!"

Elijah being fed by the ravens.

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"Your bible says disobedient children should be stoned to death. Won't you agree that capital punishment is an improper parenting technique?"

"And on the seventh day, God 'choked,' and all hell broke loose."

"We're in deep trouble... there are some people quoting back to us what we taught them."

'Jesus! Have you been playing with the taps again?'

'When will they come out in papyrus-back?'

'Wait -- what if the Canaanites want to convert?'

'Creating Eve took a bit more than your thighbone, Adam...but you've got to admit it was worth it.'

What if the meek don't want it?

'My son was nailed to a cross and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.'

'The Book of Revelation is full of spoilers.'

"The next seven verses (Deuteronomy 22:23-29 KJV) are shockingly barbaric. So we are pretending they don't exist."

Buzzfeed does The Bible: 10 commandments that will blow your mind.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe the multiple exclamation points come across as over excited and insincere."

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

Priest's 'To do' list.

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

How's my sermon. . .