Scripture Gifts

'You want us to cut WHAT off?'

"The amendments are coming next week!"

"This is a hard hat area."

"No, we can't have a lawyer look at them first!"

"Hold on there buddy, that's not a KJV Bible." (two men talking, one with a Bible)

'Oh no, I'm sure they'll believe me...but maybe you could sign them just in case?'

'You just don't know when to stop, do you?'

"Be still and know that I am cod."

"We're in deep trouble... there are some people quoting back to us what we taught them."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

Moses on the web

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

Buzzfeed does The Bible: 10 commandments that will blow your mind.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe the multiple exclamation points come across as over excited and insincere."

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

"And on the seventh day, God 'choked,' and all hell broke loose."