Scripture Analyst Gifts

"If I behaved like your god, I'd be arrested."

"Meet the scribe"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Mark, you have to stop calling John's gospel 'Fan Fiction.'"

"Wow! That's some PowerPoint presentation."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

"I want to try other kinds of fruit."

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

Jesus wept

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

"Are you sure you need to make a large print version available?"

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"Then the angel Gabriel said to Joseph in a dream.. 'Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son, and they shall call Him Emmanuel." "I thought His name was Jesus!?".

'But everybody does that stuff!'