Scripture Analyst Pillows

"If I behaved like your god, I'd be arrested."

"Meet the scribe"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Mark, you have to stop calling John's gospel 'Fan Fiction.'"

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"I want to try other kinds of fruit."

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

Jesus wept

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

A monk illuminating a book with quill pen

'But everybody does that stuff!'