Scriptural Analyst Pillows

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Wow! That's some PowerPoint presentation."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

"I want to try other kinds of fruit."

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

"Today we will focus on how the author makes the same exact complaints about here life, from her sixth birthday and on."

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

Jesus wept

'Ach, Herr Scrooge - ghost of this, ghost of that...serious delusions.'

'An alternative to having me psychoanalyze you is to write a book and have the critics do it.'

'And that one is the mistake I made in Act II, Scene III, line 14 of Hamlet.'

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"Then the angel Gabriel said to Joseph in a dream.. 'Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son, and they shall call Him Emmanuel." "I thought His name was Jesus!?".

'But everybody does that stuff!'

'They're saying the manna DOESN'T taste like chicken.'