Scriptural Analyst Gifts

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"I want to try other kinds of fruit."

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

'And that one is the mistake I made in Act II, Scene III, line 14 of Hamlet.'

'An alternative to having me psychoanalyze you is to write a book and have the critics do it.'

'Ach, Herr Scrooge - ghost of this, ghost of that...serious delusions.'

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

"Today we will focus on how the author makes the same exact complaints about here life, from her sixth birthday and on."

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

Jesus wept

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

'They're saying the manna DOESN'T taste like chicken.'

'But everybody does that stuff!'

"...And when the Lord finished, she rested."