Scripture Sleuth Gifts

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Quit worrying about corroborating your sources - it's not as if anyone's going to take all this literally."

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"And God said, 'Let there be light.'" "CFL, incandescent or LED?"

"Sword drills just aren't the same since Bible apps."

How the Apocrypha Came to Be

'We found apocrypha under his mattress!'

MAKE ME PROUD OF YOU!, 'We may want to include more specific instructions.'

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

'Who Killed Cain? By Howard I Know.'

And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - Isaiah 34:7

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"I didn't say I was DIVINE. I said, 'I am da vine, and you are da branches.'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Meet the scribe"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Contemporary English Lesson: The Cat was Sat on the Mat.

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

Whodunnit. Whoreallydunnit.

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Wow! That's some PowerPoint presentation."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'I've forgotten the author and title - do you read minds?'

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'