Church Service Stylist Gifts

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

How's my sermon. . .

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."

"We'd like some scenes from Genesis over here, followed by David composing the Psalms over there, and at the end, let's have Abraham pointing the way to the coat room."

Regular Sermons - Fire & Brimstone Sermons

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

How's my Sermon . . .

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"I opted for the upgrades."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

Fitness in church.

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

"The time has come to reflect and ask ourselves... 'what would Jesus tweet?'"

Stainglass Windows '33

"Son of God or not, no one comes to church dressed like that."

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

Hymns - Optional Extras

Arrow Church

Regular Confession and Express Booth.