Sermon Writing Gifts

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Monk Prompt

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"It's time to get politics out of money."

The Sleeping Congregation.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Time for speeches

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

The Pope looks through here to check out the crowd before he speaks. Ah --- The papal people peephole!

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

Church: Open Sundays

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

Victory speech.