Sermon Starter Gifts

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I was afraid this wouldn't work.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Monk Prompt

The Sleeping Congregation.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Yes, that person there...'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

Church: Open Sundays

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Vicar absent from church due to car boot sale.

Words falling out of bible.

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

"I stand corrected..."