Sermon Leader Gifts

Reserved for Apostle of the Month

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

Monk Prompt

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"That's our new church mascot."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

The Sleeping Congregation.

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'To avoid possible schism, a period of careful reflection is needed before changing the light-bulb.'

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

The Old Enemies - Catholics and Protestants

"Could you make it a quick sermon? I get my Easter basket right after church."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.