Sermon Skipper Gifts

Vicar absent from church due to car boot sale.

"We call it that because Pastor Dave is always aware of kick-off time."

New company policy...next time you miss a meeting I need a note from a doctor or a subpoena from a judge.

'Okay. Time to get up. 1... 2... 3... Go!' - 'Actually, maybe I'll just rest my eyes for a few seconds.' - 'Zzzzz...'

'The early bird can have the worm as far as I'm concerned -- I'd rather sleep in and then go to McDonald's.'

'You know what they say Mum: The early bird catches the worm! So I'm sleeping in...'

'I could text you...I can fax you...I can email you...I could ring you...Lunch?...I can't make it.'

'Here he comes in his jimjams - cutting it fine with out breakfast today!'

Church: Open Sundays

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'I don't need that exercise stuff -- I cross the pain threshold just getting out of bed in the morning.'

Sleeping through new year celebrations

'Now that the clocks have changed you can use that extra hour that you can't spend in the garden decorating the kitchen'

"I'm a pastor. My job is to speak 20 minutes on Sunday and listen the rest of the week."

"Oh, hi Pastor, I figured I didn't need to go to church - I ALREADY felt guilty."

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

"Ya know, no mask or hand sanitizer can spare you from spring fever."

'How can you be so cheap?'

Super Bowl Sunday sermon: "Is it better to kick off or receive?"

'I can remember when you only had to worry about delivering good sermons.'

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

'I was afraid this wouldn't work.'

Crime Prevention Seminar

Pastor Joe never works blue: 'I avoid the sex and violence of the Old Testament.'

'I made your favorite Sunday dinner, spaghetti, but since you still have service tonight, a plastic precaution is in order.'

"I just want to thank you for not naming names."

"For those of you visiting our church for the first time just raise your hand and our ushers will refresh your coffee."

"Basically, we have two options: #1: Do what I want or #2: Endure an excruciatingly dull presentation..."

'Sorry Professor, you're right: I DID skip a line of the instructions...'