Sermon Skippers Gifts

"Oh, hi Pastor, I figured I didn't need to go to church - I ALREADY felt guilty."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'I spent my summer vacation NOT doing boring writing assignments.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

Church: Open Sundays

As the horrible signs began to appear, students would go to any length to avoid seeing them.

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

Vicar absent from church due to car boot sale.

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"So, when will you start telling us about good vs bad cholesterol?"

'I'm not going to bore you with a long sermon to-day - here's one I recorded earlier...'

"I'm a pastor. My job is to speak 20 minutes on Sunday and listen the rest of the week."

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

Church sign.

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

'More options!'

"I don't know how he does it. He preaches entire sermons without using the words like, cool or awesome."

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

Doug Coe

'I can remember when you only had to worry about delivering good sermons.'

REALLY boring sermons

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'