Church Sermon Gifts

"You told Pastor Bob about my room, didn't you?"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

The Sleeping Congregation.

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"So no bases are uncovered, Sister Ann gives the sermon to the deaf and Brother Brooks blogs it."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"He's always been an optimist."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Words falling out of bible.

Pastor wearing sunglasses against the hymns.