Weekly Worshipper Gifts

Yonder: Roll Call Every 15 Min.

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Drive-thru Church

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"We're testing a new virtual reality praise & worship system for the satellite campus."

Fitness in church.

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Ohm sweet Ohm

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'What did you say? 'The light is nothing but an ordinary streetlamp'? Oh no! My own son is an atheist??!'

Church Sign Asks If You Are Prepared for Digital Conversion.

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

Worshiping the TV.

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

'No, we do not make change.'

Church Parking

"If God wanted me to go to church he wouldn't have put football on Sundays."

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

'For you information, hymns are meant to be sung, not whistled.'

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

Sermon about 20 minutes

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

"ButI thought he was just praying without ceasing."

"Rain, Your Holiness—may I suggest the plastic papal vestments?"

'When the poor dear retired, he found that he missed his little cubicle.'

"I guess I missed more Sundays than I thought."

I stick with the celebrity instructors. If I heard of them, I sign up with them.

"I hope Jesus returns as a football player, so you will spend time with Him on Sundays!"