Sermon Writers Prints

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

Monk Prompt

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

The Sleeping Congregation.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'